i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
