i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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