On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
