What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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