Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize