We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
