sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
as a side note pls kill me
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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