if you like me you must not know who I am
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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