R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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