I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
