the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
How does one acquire holy water?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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