Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
