Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
