John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
bring money and cleavage
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
