dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
