She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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