forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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