I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize