I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
