I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Shame - the story of my life.
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