So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
