I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
