New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
