Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
you made out with another girl for some wings
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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