By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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