My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
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