i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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