wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Randomize
