That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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