I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The chlamydia really affected his face.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Randomize
