Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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