Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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