A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
