wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
