you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
