Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
