May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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