just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
