thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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