Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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