That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize