Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
