First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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