i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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