my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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