look no pants
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
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