I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
