Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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