Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
