So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
