Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
