I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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