i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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