i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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