I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
