I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
