Can i not drive my cunt home
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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